Choosing to be vulnerable
Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Raheem.
Today, yet again, I start this with your name Oh Lord. I knew I was truly lost, but today, I was forcefully awaken to how truly lost I am. So I start with your name today, because I know that today, like You always do, You will help me find my way again.
It's in times like this in my life that I completely delete my blog and start afresh, like with everything in my life. I always feel as though, if I made a physical change, somehow, everything else would change. That if I moved to a new house, or travelled away for a while, or deleted my blog, that somehow, things would be better, that my mind would have a clean slate to start off of. I get that sometimes, a change of environment is needed, and some time alone is needed, but what I truly need to understand is that, no matter how many times I change what's around me; the physical, nothing would ever be different until and unless I decide to take that leap of faith, and work with what I have, to change what's within me. Change truly starts from within. So until I set my heart right, no amount of new blogs, new homes, new environments, no amount of times I try to run away would change anything.
This is the longest I have sat by the sidelines and watched my heart spiral down. I have watched, and cried, and cried, scared of what could become of me. Scared of where I am heading. I have never been this scared of my life ever before. It's a deep crippling fear. That fear of knowing how bad it could get if you did nothing, yet somehow, I still did nothing.
Ya Allah, I know, because that is all I choose to believe, that you sent that phone call to me today, as a beacon of light, because You care about me and want to help me, even when I am clueless as to how to help myself. Ya Allah my arms are open and empty, pleading for your help. My soul is drained and my heart has never been this empty, but I know that, this simply means that I am a vessel, waiting to be filled up by Your blessings. We only fall this hard to realize we are capable of standing again, and climbing higher, so Ya Allah, here I am, humbled, more than I've ever been, pleading for your help.
I stopped posting, because I became scared of what I'd be putting out. My heart was drained and that level of vulnerability scared me. But here I am, admitting to a virtual world, and to You Ya Rabb, That I am in need of any help that You give me, for I am indeed poor, so Help me Ya Rabb. Help me.
"Our Lord ! we have sinned against ourselves and unless You grant us forgiveness and bestow Your mercy upon us ,we shall most certainly be lost"
It's in times like this in my life that I completely delete my blog and start afresh, like with everything in my life. I always feel as though, if I made a physical change, somehow, everything else would change. That if I moved to a new house, or travelled away for a while, or deleted my blog, that somehow, things would be better, that my mind would have a clean slate to start off of. I get that sometimes, a change of environment is needed, and some time alone is needed, but what I truly need to understand is that, no matter how many times I change what's around me; the physical, nothing would ever be different until and unless I decide to take that leap of faith, and work with what I have, to change what's within me. Change truly starts from within. So until I set my heart right, no amount of new blogs, new homes, new environments, no amount of times I try to run away would change anything.
This is the longest I have sat by the sidelines and watched my heart spiral down. I have watched, and cried, and cried, scared of what could become of me. Scared of where I am heading. I have never been this scared of my life ever before. It's a deep crippling fear. That fear of knowing how bad it could get if you did nothing, yet somehow, I still did nothing.
Ya Allah, I know, because that is all I choose to believe, that you sent that phone call to me today, as a beacon of light, because You care about me and want to help me, even when I am clueless as to how to help myself. Ya Allah my arms are open and empty, pleading for your help. My soul is drained and my heart has never been this empty, but I know that, this simply means that I am a vessel, waiting to be filled up by Your blessings. We only fall this hard to realize we are capable of standing again, and climbing higher, so Ya Allah, here I am, humbled, more than I've ever been, pleading for your help.
I stopped posting, because I became scared of what I'd be putting out. My heart was drained and that level of vulnerability scared me. But here I am, admitting to a virtual world, and to You Ya Rabb, That I am in need of any help that You give me, for I am indeed poor, so Help me Ya Rabb. Help me.
"Our Lord ! we have sinned against ourselves and unless You grant us forgiveness and bestow Your mercy upon us ,we shall most certainly be lost"
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