Today, my heart bloomed : Unexpected Lessons on Parenting and Stress.

Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Raheem.

It is simply amazing and mind-blowing  how single unexpected experiences  can potentially transform our mindsets, if not our lives. Today, I had an experience that made me think, " if the only reason Allah made me wait to have a child was so that I could attend this class and learn what I learnt today, then I would say it was more than worth the wait, and that I am honored that He was this kind to have blessed me to this extent. 

I am still in awe of Allah and How He sends us life lessons in places we least expect. Today was not unlike any other day, yet it felt unlike any other day, because Allah opened my heart to be receptive of whatever information was conveyed to me, in a way unlike any other day.

For context, I am in my final year of medicine, having experienced all the highs and lows that medical students have to go through to be able to call themselves doctors. It has been a roller coaster of a journey, but today, so close to the finish line, l truly feel I chose the right path for myself, despite it all.

Today was the last day of the first half of my psychiatry practice/Internship, and I struggled to get myself out of the bed. It had been a stressful couple of days and the stress had started to take it's toll on me. I woke up, not with a bismillah or an Alhamdulillah, but saying “life is hard”. I don't know where I got the strength to face the day, but somehow, I gathered myself, got ready, and set out to the hospital. We didn't need to see patients today as we only had a consultation. The discussion in the consultation was what left me reflecting deeply on life, and the beautifully timeless teachings of Islam. 

The doctor spoke about a child's mental development, and how as early as within the womb, the mother's environment is able to affect the baby. She said that we might think that all of this is just a hypothesis, but research had shown that mothers that had difficult relationships with their spouses and were frequently distressed during pregnancy more often than not, ended up giving birth to babies that were stressed and more difficult to treat. She then went ahead to explain to us the different perceptions of stress; eustress and distress. She explained to us that eustress is a stressful event that we view as good. We make our minds understand that this stress could do nothing to harm our bodies or souls. It is a positive mechanism to cope with stress. You view the stressor as a motivation, something that has an end, and could help you be better and achieve more than you would have without the stressor. 

Subhanallah, it made me think about the Hadith that speaks about the condition of the believer. It says, "How wonderful is the condition of a believer, for all his affairs are always good, and this is for no one except the believer. When he is blessed, he is grateful and that is good for him, and if something of harm befalls him, he is patient and that is good for him.” (Muslim, 2999). Islam has always given us countless things to look forward to whenever we are afflicted or stressed by this life. " No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick of a thorn, but Allah expiates some of his sins through that." (bukhari 5641,5642). Whenever we are hurt, or harmed, we are reminded of Allah's immense love and mercy for us, and we are filled with love and so much awe. The believer who has an understanding of the religion would always reflect on how fleeting this world is, and how our ultimate reward would be paradise. So just like she explained, the stresses in the life of a believer would always be viewed as eustress; good stress. Living in that way ensures the believer lives life more light-heartedly. So when or if I wake up tomorrow, I would wake up thinking of the condition of the believer and try to remain grateful for the blessing of living another day. 

Now, when a child is born, they are born with their individual temperaments. The surrounding of that child either confirms or overrides that temperament. Essentially, as much as each child is born with their individual personalities, their behavior is strongly influenced by the environment they grow up in. An agessive child with an aggressive parent would end up growing that way. If the child has a calm parent on the other hand, the parent would help the child work through their aggression, thereby overriding that temperament. It really blew my mind how much of a child's personality is determined by their early years of development. It made me realize that we as parents just can't live through life automatically. We have to be intentional with our words and our actions.

The most important formative years of a child is their first 3 years. Those are the years with the most important impact on their brain development. That is when they start to develop and solidify their characters and personalities, the years in which their brains soak up knowledge like a sponge. We might think they are too young to understand, but these are the years they learn the most from our words and hence why intentional parenting, and intentional living is very important. The next 3 years are also important as the child continues to learn and develop through the years. Kids are born with their individual abilities, and parents that are observant would notice as the child begins to grow. It is the parent's task to find what that child’s ability is and help the child flourish. If we create a good environment for the souls of our children, they would thrive and flourish.

By the age of 18-20, A child's development is complete. At this point, change would be difficult for the individual. What makes this beautiful tough, is the fact that change, despite how difficult it might be after this age, is not impossible, but  rather possible due to neuroplasticity.  Adults are able to adapt to their surroundings that are different from their childhood surrounding, because our brains are so beautiful that they keep adapting and advancing. We are able to learn new things, and change bad habits. If I find a bad trait in myself, I know my brain is more than capable of unlearning and relearning something better. I know that there is always room for my growth no matter how difficult it might seem. The difficulty would simply be eustress, a good stress I have to go through in order to become an even better person. 

A summary of all the lessons I learnt from the consultation:

~ Create a loving, kind and beautiful relationship with your spouse so your children come into a positive environment.

~ Live life with an “eustress” mentality.

~ Be very intentional about parenting.

~ It is never too late to make positive changes in your life.

This is the most about life I have learnt from a psychiatry class *laughs*. I thank Allah for the opportunity and the privilege of being able to learn, and I pray to Him for many more hidden gems in places I least expect, at times I need them the most. Looking forward to many mornings of gratitude and an “up for the challenge” attitude.